Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
