I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
