why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
