I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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