Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize