the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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