Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
