I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
