he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
