youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
