I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
