hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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