I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
