I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
there's paper in my vomit.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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