girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
