No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
