We're facebook friends in real life
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
