when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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