just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
