why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
