i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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