im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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