Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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