i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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