we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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