Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize