i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
