Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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