She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
