Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
