I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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