I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
