So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
