We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
