i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
