haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize