remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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