He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
