You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
