Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize