I wish my penis had an off switch
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
