does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
