In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
