I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
