Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
