It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Everyone says I win the strip club
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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