If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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