We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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