She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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