Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
