Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
