May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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