Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
