Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize