Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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