You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You're like the curious george of whores
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Randomize