Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
