why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Acid is not a monday night drug
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
