i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
