uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
