She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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