I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
3 2 1 whiskey
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
