I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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